I woke up this morning still a little drunk and feeling like a total ass. Took a shower and as I was walking back to my room, I noticed the box of stuff my landlord left in his (now my) closet. In it was an off white Prada sweater. I decided that I was going to put it on. Then I ended up wearing it all morning because....why not? I did the dishes in it, caught up on my emails in it, did a little unpacking in it, filed my taxes in it, and then even signed for my Fedex packages in it. Oh yes, I looked good in my elmo boxers and my men's off white Prada sweater. How good did I look? Takes a look for yourself (minus the elmo boxers, those are for privileged eyes only)
Once I was done playing rich white gay man, I decided to take the sweater off and put it back. It was actually getting late by then because I know I made it sound like I only had it on for a few moments but it was really like 6 hours. It was around 5 and I decided I wanted to go back to my little mountain behind my house and watch the sunset because hey....I'm a visual romantic and I love beautiful things.
So I throw on a pair of shorts (70!!!!), a tank top and my black hoodie and head out my door. I decide to take the tough route up the canyon that I didn't take last time. It was invigorating to climb up it. My heart was racing and I was full of all this energy. I loved it. Then I get to the top and the view was even more breath taking then I remembered from two days before (I would have taken a picture but I purposely left my phone at home). I stood there for a long time looking out over my new city. To my left was the famous Hollywood sign and to my right was the ocean. Below me, the entire city was lighting up and the sun was setting in front of me. And all I could think was...this is my home. A lot of things became clear to me while I was up there. I've put myself in a crappy situation. I let myself get there and I'm letting me beat myself up over it. I have been doing it this entire day, but it ended up there. For better or worse, I'm done with that. I have to let go of things and be here for me. I can't be caught up in things behind me or wishing that I have something I don't. This move was about my future and I need to start living in it.
As I was turning to walk down the other side, there was this dog that came running up to me with a big stick in it's mouth. It stopped right in front of me and sat down and continued to just stare. The dog and I got into a quick staring match until it was broken by the dog dropping the stick. "I guess I won" I told the dog with a little bit of cockiness. That's right....I beat the dog in a starring contest. The dog looked down at the stick for a moment and then back up at me. "I'm not picking that up for you. You can do it by yourself." The dog looked down a the stick again. "Seriously?" The dog didn't move. I started to bend down to pick it up when I heard someone say
"Are you making friends again?" I look up to see two blond girls walking toward the dog and I.
"Not on purpose" I replied. I couldn't help but smile, I thought I was being cute.
One of the girls smiled back. "I meant James here," she said.
"James, huh?" The girl nodded. "Interesting name."
"I guess."
"So he does this stick thing a lot then?"
"He is kind of known for it around here."
"Well I hadn't heard about it, but this is only my second time here so I've got a lot to learn still."
I squat down, pick up the stick and give it to James. "New to the neighborhood?" The other blond spoke for the first time.
"New to the whole west coast as it were," I told them as I stood back up.
We chatted for a couple more minutes. They invited me out later. We exchanged info. And then I headed back on my way. There it was. I had made my first new friends. I have been so scared about not being able to meet people, but out of no where it was all right there. When I came to Chicago I had no confidence and was not outgoing. However when I left Chicago, I had this amazing confidence. I am finally very proud of who I am and what I have to offer, which makes meeting people that much easier.
The long hike down the back side of the canyon was rough, not physically but emotionally. I had some very powerful conversations with myself (in my head, not out loud). I'm here to do this. I've given up everything to be here. I don't need to keep making back up plans in my head. There is NO back up plan. I'm going to do this. This is about me. It has to be about me. I can't let myself get caught up with other things. I can't let myself stop writing or stop focusing. I have to make my dream into a reality. I want to. I need to. I have to.
It was getting very dark, so I picked up my pace and made it home. I had three texts from three different people waiting for me. I wanted to turn off my phone and not reply to any of them. But Dee is coming in tonight and I needed to leave my phone on in case she called. I replied, but I wasn't happy about it.
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