Rush

Me: I am 99% sure I just saw Lindsay Lohan
Sarah: You know she’s single now...
Me: And possibly gay...
Sarah: And a red head...
Me: Sounds perfect. Just what I need, another red head.

I just got done reading and writing coverage for this very boring book called Ecotopia. It is basically the author’s idea for a perfect eco friendly society and then he decided that no one would read his philosophy and theories so he put it into a fiction form by having a “journalist” go into this society and write articles on it. Basically the book is just his published articles, with a few journal entries in between. When I was about fifty pages in I stopped reading the articles and just read the journal entries. His personal life was not that interesting, just him falling for some woman he met despite the fact that he has both a wife and mistress back in New York...this was not a romantic comedy by the way.

What stuck with me though was this feeling of what it’s like to fall for someone, the intensity of it all. That feeling where you can’t get enough of them even if you see them all the time. You think about them constantly. You long to touch them constantly. Your sex drive is as high as it ever possibly could be and despite how long of a day you have had or how tired you are, you still want them. When you walk down the street and something reminds you of them and your stomach just tightens up in knots as a huge grin grows across your face. It’s this unreal feeling that’s been created and you want nothing more then for it to last forever because it is perfect and it lets you feel like you could do anything. The problem is...what happens when it stops? What happens when it goes away? You can sit there and think it won’t, but the truth it that it will. Ideally you find “the one” who will make you feel that way forever but how many people do you know that ten to twenty years later still feel that?

I think the truth is I have been hurt to badly to ever believe that is possible. I see older couples that may still be together but things have changed. They don’t look at each other the way they once did. They stay together out of obligation or because their significant other has become such a big part of their life that they wouldn’t know how to stand on their own if they weren’t with that person...and the dependency has nothing to do with love.

I just finished reading this romantic comedy about this couple that has been married for ten years and their marriage is falling apart. I can’t discuss the details but it takes a major event in order to get them to come back together and fall back in love...but what would happen if that event never happened and it ended in a divorce? It’s this horribly depressing thought that maybe the best part of any relationship is the beginning and then it’s all just downhill from there.

Maybe that is my problem right now. I have had more beginnings in the last year then I care to admit, always ending abruptly by something. Mostly me ending it before it could even have the chance of going bad. Maybe that is what I’m scared of...what happens after the beginning. I did that once, I had the middle, and I had the end. Both parts suck. Looking back, my favorite parts were all in the beginning. The middle was filled with mediocre day-to-day things. The ending was a mess of fighting, yelling and breaking things, mostly each other.

Yes, it was nice to have the same person to come home to everyday. It was nice to have some stability with a person you truly care about, but I don’t know if I want stable the rest of my life. I want that rush. I need that rush. Right now I’m so scared of loosing that rush that I act really stupid as a reflex. At the same time I don’t want to be thirty-five and still be chasing after some rush, so I’m hoping this is a stage I will grow out of...quickly.

Scott: Let’s go to the mall and break up straight couples.

After getting out of work and heading out to the dark parking lot.
Me: Marcus, hold my hand, I’m scared of the dark.
Marcus: Well I’m scared of girls.

Nate: You have this amazing thing with your eyes that when you look at people, it’s like they are elevated off the ground.