It's been a while. Honestly I have been stuck in a rut. My life has been on this fast track for as long as I can remember and these last few months it has slowed down completely. I'm not unhappy, it is not that. In fact I have some amazing people in my life right now that have kept me from loosing my mind. I'm just out of school, still interning, still at Borders, still waiting. I'm just at a wall and I'm trying to break it down. Thinking about it and acknowledging the wall is hard, so instead I just bury myself in all the work I have to do and hide there trying to pray myself around the wall. I would update you all on what you missed, but my life is basically the same as my last few entries, I just have a lot less money.
Father's Day was hard, not that I would let anyone know. Not that anyone asked. Not that I would tell them if they did. For those of you who don't know, I don't have a dad...anymore.
I walked home from seeing UP tonight. It is the first time I have really had alone in months, outside of driving my car to work. I had a lot to think about. With Father's Day still on my mind and some weird stuff going on with my mom, I was thinking a lot about parenting. I think we generally call anyone that has popped a kid out a parent. I think the term is used too loosely. Anyone who has successfully hit puberty can pop a kid out, not everyone can be a parent. I think in order to be a parent you have to do everything humanly possible to raise a healthy, well-educated, and non-selfish child. I say humanly possible because lets face it, there are "acts of God" that we cannot control: that drunk driver, the candle that gets knocked over, or that man with a gun. Maybe your kid is just driving home from getting pizza, and never makes it. Some things you can't help. Healthy is obvious, don't poison your kid. Watch Sixth Sense again if you don't get it. Well-educated...basically you encourage the kid to do something besides play video games. It's called a book...without pictures. Non-selfish is also self explanatory. You share more then you think you do, including air, so learn to share.
What makes a good parent then? Someone who decides to take the basics a step further, such as encourage and support their kid. Someone who helps point their kids in the direction of their dreams, not their own dreams.
What makes a great parent? Simple. Unconditional love. It seems easy, but it is actually really rare. Most people who say they love someone unconditionally really don't. Unconditional means forgiveness, trust and acceptance. As a parent, it means that you love your kid no matter who they love, what they choose to be, what they choose to do or what happens to them. Most parents like to think they love their child unconditionally, until that love is tested, then they are quick to dismiss their child or just ignore some part of who their child is. Maybe they only partially except their child to their child's face, but to their friends and other family members they are ashamed. It is probably the hardest thing in the world to do, love someone unconditionally. I'm not sure that I am capable of that right now (not just in the parental aspect, no kids for me, just in general). I'm too selfish, too hurt, and honestly too scared for that. But like most people, I'm hoping that will change someday.
It's hard to honestly rate my parents. I hated my dad for most of my life. Mostly because I feel like he chose smoking over his family, and over me. For years I just watched him die slowly. Getting sicker every year and doing nothing to save himself. I felt that if he really cared about me, he would quit and take better care of himself. Every phone call about him was like tossing a coin, was he just back in the hospital or was this the time it was going to be the last call? Eventually it was. I still can't forgive him for not being here right now. It wasn't something that was out of his control, some cancer or freak accident. It was his choice. He didn't choose me.
Then I remember this one moment I had with him, that I never understood until years later. My dad had picked me up from another one of my soccer games he hadn't attended. I was maybe 12. My dad had lost his job about a year earlier. I hadn't eaten and I was hungry. He offered to buy me dinner, so we pulled into McDonalds. I remember him looking in his wallet and only finding $2. I remember him not knowing that I noticed, and telling me that I could have anything I wanted. Luckily I only wanted a cheeseburger. I remember getting home and getting out of the car and running inside. He sat there, in the car for a little bit, with the most worried look on his face. When he did come in he went straight to his office and didn't come out until after I was asleep. He never ate dinner. It was probably the best cheeseburger I ever had.
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