Rush

Me: I am 99% sure I just saw Lindsay Lohan
Sarah: You know she’s single now...
Me: And possibly gay...
Sarah: And a red head...
Me: Sounds perfect. Just what I need, another red head.

I just got done reading and writing coverage for this very boring book called Ecotopia. It is basically the author’s idea for a perfect eco friendly society and then he decided that no one would read his philosophy and theories so he put it into a fiction form by having a “journalist” go into this society and write articles on it. Basically the book is just his published articles, with a few journal entries in between. When I was about fifty pages in I stopped reading the articles and just read the journal entries. His personal life was not that interesting, just him falling for some woman he met despite the fact that he has both a wife and mistress back in New York...this was not a romantic comedy by the way.

What stuck with me though was this feeling of what it’s like to fall for someone, the intensity of it all. That feeling where you can’t get enough of them even if you see them all the time. You think about them constantly. You long to touch them constantly. Your sex drive is as high as it ever possibly could be and despite how long of a day you have had or how tired you are, you still want them. When you walk down the street and something reminds you of them and your stomach just tightens up in knots as a huge grin grows across your face. It’s this unreal feeling that’s been created and you want nothing more then for it to last forever because it is perfect and it lets you feel like you could do anything. The problem is...what happens when it stops? What happens when it goes away? You can sit there and think it won’t, but the truth it that it will. Ideally you find “the one” who will make you feel that way forever but how many people do you know that ten to twenty years later still feel that?

I think the truth is I have been hurt to badly to ever believe that is possible. I see older couples that may still be together but things have changed. They don’t look at each other the way they once did. They stay together out of obligation or because their significant other has become such a big part of their life that they wouldn’t know how to stand on their own if they weren’t with that person...and the dependency has nothing to do with love.

I just finished reading this romantic comedy about this couple that has been married for ten years and their marriage is falling apart. I can’t discuss the details but it takes a major event in order to get them to come back together and fall back in love...but what would happen if that event never happened and it ended in a divorce? It’s this horribly depressing thought that maybe the best part of any relationship is the beginning and then it’s all just downhill from there.

Maybe that is my problem right now. I have had more beginnings in the last year then I care to admit, always ending abruptly by something. Mostly me ending it before it could even have the chance of going bad. Maybe that is what I’m scared of...what happens after the beginning. I did that once, I had the middle, and I had the end. Both parts suck. Looking back, my favorite parts were all in the beginning. The middle was filled with mediocre day-to-day things. The ending was a mess of fighting, yelling and breaking things, mostly each other.

Yes, it was nice to have the same person to come home to everyday. It was nice to have some stability with a person you truly care about, but I don’t know if I want stable the rest of my life. I want that rush. I need that rush. Right now I’m so scared of loosing that rush that I act really stupid as a reflex. At the same time I don’t want to be thirty-five and still be chasing after some rush, so I’m hoping this is a stage I will grow out of...quickly.

Scott: Let’s go to the mall and break up straight couples.

After getting out of work and heading out to the dark parking lot.
Me: Marcus, hold my hand, I’m scared of the dark.
Marcus: Well I’m scared of girls.

Nate: You have this amazing thing with your eyes that when you look at people, it’s like they are elevated off the ground.

Tired

I'm tired. I'm tired physically. I'm tired mentally. I'm just plain tired.

I spaced out in the shower today for a good twenty minutes (I only know this because the shower was 20 minutes longer then it normally is for the exact same amount of washing). I can't remember why I spaced out, I just did...there went twenty minutes of my life I should have spent reading another script. I finally bought MAX some coolant that he's been needing for weeks. I finally gave him a bath that he's been needing for months. I need to do laundry but instead I'm writing this blog and then taking a nap. I'm laying here in bed typing while I hear Leah out in the kitchen angrily putting the dishes away...again. My room is a mess because I have no furniture to put my shit on and I'm too lazy to put shit where it really should go. I have this book I really need to read but I really don't want too. I have a script I need to write. No wait, I have two. I feel like I have eaten too much food today but I don't think I have really eaten enough. BUT....


...I'm really happy. I mean this is what I gave it all up for. In the last month before I left I totaled my car, got a promotion at work, had two bars at I could drink for free, and finally got the girl I had wanted for three fucking years. Then I put all my shit into MAX and drove 2000 miles out here and stood on top of a canyon and watched the sunset. And thinking about all the shit I felt for the longest time that I had given up I really hadn't. I would never have even had a car to total in the first place if I wasn't moving out here. I would never have thrown myself into work to save money and pass the time if I hadn't been leaving. I would not have been partying as much if I hadn't thought these were my last days to do so (maybe I would have :\). And I would never had kissed the girl of my dreams.

So really those were opportunities that I was given because of this chance. I totaled my first car in Indiana which gave me more time to spend with my family then I originally planned and I got Max who got me out here safely and has been a trooper so far (fingers crossed). The promotion at the last minute gave me a lot more money which actually helped me buy Max when shit hit the fan. I drank a lot...I needed that at the time...I don't think I need it as much anymore. And I got to have someone for a moment. An amazing wonderful moment. Which I will forever be thankful for forever despite the fact that it is not meant to be.

Three months from saying goodbye to Chicago, I am finally seeing these things as opportunities instead of sacrifices...and I'm finally closing that book. I don't need to worry about what would have been if I had stayed, because I didn't. I couldn't. I'm taking everything I have learned and felt away with me and I am going to stop looking back. I have this amazing life ahead of me and if I keep letting things behind me pull me back down, it will take me twice as long.

I have so many amazing people out here that I never thought I would have the chance to meet. I'm feeling things I didn't think I would feel again for a long time. And I'm moving on.

I still love Chicago and everyone there, but Los Angeles is my home. And I think I know that 100% now.

INTERNET!

So.....did you miss me? I missed me....anyways. It has been a crazy couple of weeks so I figure at this point I have two options: 1. Recap everything that happened and make this the longest blog entry ever, or 2. Just bring you up to date. Lacking a lot of free time, I'm going to go with #2.

1.I now have two internships, one at Rumpus Entertainment and the other is still at Underground.
2. We finally moved into our new apartment. It is a huge three bedroom on the east side of Hollywood.
3. I have my own room!
4. Still working at Borders nights and weekends.
5. Trying to write more....trying being the key word.
6. I'm reading like 10 scripts a week....and slowly loosing my vision.
7. My new favorite song is now Don't Trust Me and is no long Poker Face.
8. My new favorite bar is the Avalon on Thursday nights for Tigerheat...I'm on the VIP list now...done and done.
9. Done is my new favorite word.
10. I have a real bed, there is an opening for a hot single female, if you know one send them over to audition.
11. I got a hair cut....and I really don't like it.
12. I miss Chicago a little, mostly the people.
13. My roommate Meghan won a Ford Fiesta as part of their Ford Fiesta Movement.
14. I found a free TV...no wait....I found two.
15. We have no furniture in our apartment.

Here are some pics of our empty apartment:

Kitchen

My Room:

The Closet Side 1:

The Closet Side 2:

Leah and I's Bathroom:

Living/Dining Room View 1:

Living/Dining Room View 2:

(please note that all furniture shown we got for FREE)

View off our dining room into the court yard/Pool


My Michelle Branch quote that has been in 6 and now 7 rooms of mine:


My artwork from Sam that I can't wait to put up!

Minus the one on the left that is from my Dad...and the belt...that's mine and not artwork.

A lot of quotes to catch up on so I'm just going to throw them all out here to get caught up:

From Mel, my new landlord:
"We don't throw breakables inside. We just throw them outside..at people."

While making a milkshake:
Mary: That's great scooping action there!
Me: If only that was the first time I'd heard that today.

Meghan: I like how you call me out on one thing when you are like the biggest bitch I know.

Chelsea: You are such a player...you just know all the lines...

When putting out the homo magazines at work:
Me: You boys just like seeing each other half naked in water don't you?
Marcus: Maybe.
Me: Us girls are wearing clothes and are dry.
Marcus: No, lesbians would be on the cover with tacos.

Dani: Girls are like flowers...really needy flowers....and boys are like rocks.

Dani: The minute my girlfriend gets a gray hair on her pubes I'm dumping her and getting a new girlfriend.

Me: No Leah, we aren't sleeping together anymore so I don't have to put up with your shit.
Leah: Don't ever tell me we aren't sleeping together anymore!
Me: ?

Me: Don't break my heart.
Chelsea: There is no heart to break...

When driving to our new apartment and there were guys staring in the car:
Leah:We need to keep Meghan in the back where she belongs.
Meghan: Yeah! I got eye fucked the shit out of me.

Leah: She was my mentor at Columbia.
Me: Then you met me.
Leah: Yeah, and you're my sextor.
Me: Sex mentor?
Leah: Yeah.

About my stuffed bunny that my roommates keep sticking stuff in the tummy pouch:
Meghan: If only it was a cat we could put shit in Hilary's pussy.

And speaking of that...Mel's new favorite menu:




Um yeah...now you are caught up!

Now I'm going to go read more scripts...