Monday, June 22, 2009

So Yeah...

It's been a while. Honestly I have been stuck in a rut. My life has been on this fast track for as long as I can remember and these last few months it has slowed down completely. I'm not unhappy, it is not that. In fact I have some amazing people in my life right now that have kept me from loosing my mind. I'm just out of school, still interning, still at Borders, still waiting. I'm just at a wall and I'm trying to break it down. Thinking about it and acknowledging the wall is hard, so instead I just bury myself in all the work I have to do and hide there trying to pray myself around the wall. I would update you all on what you missed, but my life is basically the same as my last few entries, I just have a lot less money.

Father's Day was hard, not that I would let anyone know. Not that anyone asked. Not that I would tell them if they did. For those of you who don't know, I don't have a dad...anymore.

I walked home from seeing UP tonight. It is the first time I have really had alone in months, outside of driving my car to work. I had a lot to think about. With Father's Day still on my mind and some weird stuff going on with my mom, I was thinking a lot about parenting. I think we generally call anyone that has popped a kid out a parent. I think the term is used too loosely. Anyone who has successfully hit puberty can pop a kid out, not everyone can be a parent. I think in order to be a parent you have to do everything humanly possible to raise a healthy, well-educated, and non-selfish child. I say humanly possible because lets face it, there are "acts of God" that we cannot control: that drunk driver, the candle that gets knocked over, or that man with a gun. Maybe your kid is just driving home from getting pizza, and never makes it. Some things you can't help. Healthy is obvious, don't poison your kid. Watch Sixth Sense again if you don't get it. Well-educated...basically you encourage the kid to do something besides play video games. It's called a book...without pictures. Non-selfish is also self explanatory. You share more then you think you do, including air, so learn to share.

What makes a good parent then? Someone who decides to take the basics a step further, such as encourage and support their kid. Someone who helps point their kids in the direction of their dreams, not their own dreams.

What makes a great parent? Simple. Unconditional love. It seems easy, but it is actually really rare. Most people who say they love someone unconditionally really don't. Unconditional means forgiveness, trust and acceptance. As a parent, it means that you love your kid no matter who they love, what they choose to be, what they choose to do or what happens to them. Most parents like to think they love their child unconditionally, until that love is tested, then they are quick to dismiss their child or just ignore some part of who their child is. Maybe they only partially except their child to their child's face, but to their friends and other family members they are ashamed. It is probably the hardest thing in the world to do, love someone unconditionally. I'm not sure that I am capable of that right now (not just in the parental aspect, no kids for me, just in general). I'm too selfish, too hurt, and honestly too scared for that. But like most people, I'm hoping that will change someday.

It's hard to honestly rate my parents. I hated my dad for most of my life. Mostly because I feel like he chose smoking over his family, and over me. For years I just watched him die slowly. Getting sicker every year and doing nothing to save himself. I felt that if he really cared about me, he would quit and take better care of himself. Every phone call about him was like tossing a coin, was he just back in the hospital or was this the time it was going to be the last call? Eventually it was. I still can't forgive him for not being here right now. It wasn't something that was out of his control, some cancer or freak accident. It was his choice. He didn't choose me.

Then I remember this one moment I had with him, that I never understood until years later. My dad had picked me up from another one of my soccer games he hadn't attended. I was maybe 12. My dad had lost his job about a year earlier. I hadn't eaten and I was hungry. He offered to buy me dinner, so we pulled into McDonalds. I remember him looking in his wallet and only finding $2. I remember him not knowing that I noticed, and telling me that I could have anything I wanted. Luckily I only wanted a cheeseburger. I remember getting home and getting out of the car and running inside. He sat there, in the car for a little bit, with the most worried look on his face. When he did come in he went straight to his office and didn't come out until after I was asleep. He never ate dinner. It was probably the best cheeseburger I ever had.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Rush

Me: I am 99% sure I just saw Lindsay Lohan
Sarah: You know she’s single now...
Me: And possibly gay...
Sarah: And a red head...
Me: Sounds perfect. Just what I need, another red head.

I just got done reading and writing coverage for this very boring book called Ecotopia. It is basically the author’s idea for a perfect eco friendly society and then he decided that no one would read his philosophy and theories so he put it into a fiction form by having a “journalist” go into this society and write articles on it. Basically the book is just his published articles, with a few journal entries in between. When I was about fifty pages in I stopped reading the articles and just read the journal entries. His personal life was not that interesting, just him falling for some woman he met despite the fact that he has both a wife and mistress back in New York...this was not a romantic comedy by the way.

What stuck with me though was this feeling of what it’s like to fall for someone, the intensity of it all. That feeling where you can’t get enough of them even if you see them all the time. You think about them constantly. You long to touch them constantly. Your sex drive is as high as it ever possibly could be and despite how long of a day you have had or how tired you are, you still want them. When you walk down the street and something reminds you of them and your stomach just tightens up in knots as a huge grin grows across your face. It’s this unreal feeling that’s been created and you want nothing more then for it to last forever because it is perfect and it lets you feel like you could do anything. The problem is...what happens when it stops? What happens when it goes away? You can sit there and think it won’t, but the truth it that it will. Ideally you find “the one” who will make you feel that way forever but how many people do you know that ten to twenty years later still feel that?

I think the truth is I have been hurt to badly to ever believe that is possible. I see older couples that may still be together but things have changed. They don’t look at each other the way they once did. They stay together out of obligation or because their significant other has become such a big part of their life that they wouldn’t know how to stand on their own if they weren’t with that person...and the dependency has nothing to do with love.

I just finished reading this romantic comedy about this couple that has been married for ten years and their marriage is falling apart. I can’t discuss the details but it takes a major event in order to get them to come back together and fall back in love...but what would happen if that event never happened and it ended in a divorce? It’s this horribly depressing thought that maybe the best part of any relationship is the beginning and then it’s all just downhill from there.

Maybe that is my problem right now. I have had more beginnings in the last year then I care to admit, always ending abruptly by something. Mostly me ending it before it could even have the chance of going bad. Maybe that is what I’m scared of...what happens after the beginning. I did that once, I had the middle, and I had the end. Both parts suck. Looking back, my favorite parts were all in the beginning. The middle was filled with mediocre day-to-day things. The ending was a mess of fighting, yelling and breaking things, mostly each other.

Yes, it was nice to have the same person to come home to everyday. It was nice to have some stability with a person you truly care about, but I don’t know if I want stable the rest of my life. I want that rush. I need that rush. Right now I’m so scared of loosing that rush that I act really stupid as a reflex. At the same time I don’t want to be thirty-five and still be chasing after some rush, so I’m hoping this is a stage I will grow out of...quickly.

Scott: Let’s go to the mall and break up straight couples.

After getting out of work and heading out to the dark parking lot.
Me: Marcus, hold my hand, I’m scared of the dark.
Marcus: Well I’m scared of girls.

Nate: You have this amazing thing with your eyes that when you look at people, it’s like they are elevated off the ground.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Tired

I'm tired. I'm tired physically. I'm tired mentally. I'm just plain tired.

I spaced out in the shower today for a good twenty minutes (I only know this because the shower was 20 minutes longer then it normally is for the exact same amount of washing). I can't remember why I spaced out, I just did...there went twenty minutes of my life I should have spent reading another script. I finally bought MAX some coolant that he's been needing for weeks. I finally gave him a bath that he's been needing for months. I need to do laundry but instead I'm writing this blog and then taking a nap. I'm laying here in bed typing while I hear Leah out in the kitchen angrily putting the dishes away...again. My room is a mess because I have no furniture to put my shit on and I'm too lazy to put shit where it really should go. I have this book I really need to read but I really don't want too. I have a script I need to write. No wait, I have two. I feel like I have eaten too much food today but I don't think I have really eaten enough. BUT....


...I'm really happy. I mean this is what I gave it all up for. In the last month before I left I totaled my car, got a promotion at work, had two bars at I could drink for free, and finally got the girl I had wanted for three fucking years. Then I put all my shit into MAX and drove 2000 miles out here and stood on top of a canyon and watched the sunset. And thinking about all the shit I felt for the longest time that I had given up I really hadn't. I would never have even had a car to total in the first place if I wasn't moving out here. I would never have thrown myself into work to save money and pass the time if I hadn't been leaving. I would not have been partying as much if I hadn't thought these were my last days to do so (maybe I would have :\). And I would never had kissed the girl of my dreams.

So really those were opportunities that I was given because of this chance. I totaled my first car in Indiana which gave me more time to spend with my family then I originally planned and I got Max who got me out here safely and has been a trooper so far (fingers crossed). The promotion at the last minute gave me a lot more money which actually helped me buy Max when shit hit the fan. I drank a lot...I needed that at the time...I don't think I need it as much anymore. And I got to have someone for a moment. An amazing wonderful moment. Which I will forever be thankful for forever despite the fact that it is not meant to be.

Three months from saying goodbye to Chicago, I am finally seeing these things as opportunities instead of sacrifices...and I'm finally closing that book. I don't need to worry about what would have been if I had stayed, because I didn't. I couldn't. I'm taking everything I have learned and felt away with me and I am going to stop looking back. I have this amazing life ahead of me and if I keep letting things behind me pull me back down, it will take me twice as long.

I have so many amazing people out here that I never thought I would have the chance to meet. I'm feeling things I didn't think I would feel again for a long time. And I'm moving on.

I still love Chicago and everyone there, but Los Angeles is my home. And I think I know that 100% now.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

INTERNET!

So.....did you miss me? I missed me....anyways. It has been a crazy couple of weeks so I figure at this point I have two options: 1. Recap everything that happened and make this the longest blog entry ever, or 2. Just bring you up to date. Lacking a lot of free time, I'm going to go with #2.

1.I now have two internships, one at Rumpus Entertainment and the other is still at Underground.
2. We finally moved into our new apartment. It is a huge three bedroom on the east side of Hollywood.
3. I have my own room!
4. Still working at Borders nights and weekends.
5. Trying to write more....trying being the key word.
6. I'm reading like 10 scripts a week....and slowly loosing my vision.
7. My new favorite song is now Don't Trust Me and is no long Poker Face.
8. My new favorite bar is the Avalon on Thursday nights for Tigerheat...I'm on the VIP list now...done and done.
9. Done is my new favorite word.
10. I have a real bed, there is an opening for a hot single female, if you know one send them over to audition.
11. I got a hair cut....and I really don't like it.
12. I miss Chicago a little, mostly the people.
13. My roommate Meghan won a Ford Fiesta as part of their Ford Fiesta Movement.
14. I found a free TV...no wait....I found two.
15. We have no furniture in our apartment.

Here are some pics of our empty apartment:

Kitchen

My Room:

The Closet Side 1:

The Closet Side 2:

Leah and I's Bathroom:

Living/Dining Room View 1:

Living/Dining Room View 2:

(please note that all furniture shown we got for FREE)

View off our dining room into the court yard/Pool


My Michelle Branch quote that has been in 6 and now 7 rooms of mine:


My artwork from Sam that I can't wait to put up!

Minus the one on the left that is from my Dad...and the belt...that's mine and not artwork.

A lot of quotes to catch up on so I'm just going to throw them all out here to get caught up:

From Mel, my new landlord:
"We don't throw breakables inside. We just throw them outside..at people."

While making a milkshake:
Mary: That's great scooping action there!
Me: If only that was the first time I'd heard that today.

Meghan: I like how you call me out on one thing when you are like the biggest bitch I know.

Chelsea: You are such a player...you just know all the lines...

When putting out the homo magazines at work:
Me: You boys just like seeing each other half naked in water don't you?
Marcus: Maybe.
Me: Us girls are wearing clothes and are dry.
Marcus: No, lesbians would be on the cover with tacos.

Dani: Girls are like flowers...really needy flowers....and boys are like rocks.

Dani: The minute my girlfriend gets a gray hair on her pubes I'm dumping her and getting a new girlfriend.

Me: No Leah, we aren't sleeping together anymore so I don't have to put up with your shit.
Leah: Don't ever tell me we aren't sleeping together anymore!
Me: ?

Me: Don't break my heart.
Chelsea: There is no heart to break...

When driving to our new apartment and there were guys staring in the car:
Leah:We need to keep Meghan in the back where she belongs.
Meghan: Yeah! I got eye fucked the shit out of me.

Leah: She was my mentor at Columbia.
Me: Then you met me.
Leah: Yeah, and you're my sextor.
Me: Sex mentor?
Leah: Yeah.

About my stuffed bunny that my roommates keep sticking stuff in the tummy pouch:
Meghan: If only it was a cat we could put shit in Hilary's pussy.

And speaking of that...Mel's new favorite menu:




Um yeah...now you are caught up!

Now I'm going to go read more scripts...

Thursday, April 16, 2009

No internet

I don't have internet right now so I'm way behind posting! BUT I have a place to live...until I get internet watch this over and over again:

Easter Sunday

It was what happens when there are 6 people in my bed and Quintin wants in.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Black Friday

As found in my cafe:

For those who can't read what it says:

Dear Stranger,
You are a beautiful person. Don't be afraid to be yourself.
(cute little heart) S.F.E.

It has been a rough week followed by the shittiest Friday ever. I started my internship at Underground, which was actually pretty fun. I'm learning a lot and am really enjoying it. I had two interviews, both of which I won't hear back from until next week. CBS canceled on me and won't set up a new interview with me, I'm very disappointed with that. The apartment we were going to get that we all loved screwed us over and decided not to let us have it. LA sucks with people doing that! In Chicago I never had any problems with people standing me up for apartment appointments or screwing us over at the last minute...and here it has happened more then once!!! AHHHHH!!!!!! I have the money...I just want them to take it so I can put all my shoes and movies (seeing as those are only the only things of value to me that I own) somewhere!

Dan: There's something in the water out here. People just want to bang and put things in their butt.

Friday I get up and head to go look at apartments, we found two that we really like and saw a bunch that we really didn't. Apartment hunting sucks. I had an interview at the Laugh Factory that only went so-so because I was in the middle of a text fight with she who must not be named (okay, I really just wanted to use that in a blog because it is awesome...she's still cool and is not the dark lord[ess] in anyway...even though she probably would be in Slytherin) that resulted in us not talking to each other anymore??? (?=I'm confused as fuck)

Followed directly by Sarah standing me up for our phone date (on the worst possible day, at the worst possible time):

Me: Way to not call me back woman!
Sarah:Sorry!! My Friend was having a crisis and then my parents just came...I'll call you tomorrow, I love you.
Me: Yeah yeah, you love me then break my heart...typical woman...and second in the same day haha
Sarah:NOOO!! But I'm not going anywhere, you will always be my homegirl.

Then Meghan and I went to the auditions for the new game show 20Q, she made it to the second round (which reminds me, I'm supposed to give a shout out to Meghan's mom!). Followed by the much needed drinking and shooting people...yeah...shooting people really made me feel better. I must say that nothing mends a sore heart like alcohol and violence. Oh and by the way, I was talking about laser tag, not actually shooting people (although that would have helped more probably).

(Leah sneezes really loudly) Quintin: Wow, that's like 1/3 an orgasm there!

I do not want my blog to be all sad news because I had a crappy Black Friday, so I am leaving you all with a nice little Easter video...Happy Easter!

Monday, April 6, 2009

Internships and all that ADULT stuff

It has been pretty nuts over here in LA!

To make a long story short, in the last week I have:
a. Sent out about 100 resumes
b. Had two interviews
c. Seen 3 apartments
d. Finished my semester at the studio
e. Pitched to 2 studio executives
f. Had an 18 hour party
g. Went on Price is Right (you can see me on April 28th, I did not get to compete but you do see me for a second in the audience)

Out of all that I have decided to take one of the internships at Underground Films on Wed/Thurs and turned down another. The plan is to try to get at least one more internship I really want for Mon/Tues and possibly a third for Friday. Tomorrow I have an interviews at CBS, The Laugh Factory and Rumpus Films (The production company that did Paul Blart)

When I got home from work Friday night at 11 pm, my apartment was filled with tons of people. We started drinking and sometime around 3 I decided to go in my room and pass out. When I woke up at 7 (thanks to Chelsea) my apartment was still filled with people, and they were all passed out around various places in my apartment. Then Chelsea and Leah decided to get in my bed with Meghan and I. Then sometime in there Dan joined in and before I knew it there were five people in my little bed.

Nice.

Then we all went to Ihop and then came home and continued the party. Then I went back to bed. That was my graduation party! haha

I will update you all on what is going on with my interviews/internships a lot sooner this time.

Leah: I'm a pescatarian.
Dan: What is that?
Hilary: It means she likes fish tacos Dan.
Brett: Hilary, stop pushing your lifestyle on others.